Hello lovely people!
Long time no talk. Life has just kicked me in the nads if you know what I mean. About a month ago my roommates and I received a sixty day notice to vacate the home because they were putting it on the market.
As you can imagine that’s thrown a wrench in the works. However, I am pleased to say we have found a new apartment and boy oh boy have I learned some thangs.
Let me tell you about them, so you too can be prepared if life decides to pop in for an unexpected tea time.
Most of the time when renting you think: First, Last, and Security. LIES. All LIES. Here’s an itemized list (of thirty years of disagreements…) I mean…all of the things that people don’t mention (keep in mind this is my experience in Orlando):
- Application Fees- Application fees usually run $50 per adult (ages 18+). Then they add an administration fee…Which we all know is just a fancy word for “Hey we want to make sure you really want to apply and also we want to make you suffer.”
- Electric Company Account- If you are like me and you’ve never had to open up an account with the electric company than you should guard your carnal treasure because it’s about to get walloped. A basic credit check will be run and then they will decide how much your deposit AND opening fee will cost. To give you an idea I have great credit and yet was still charged a deposit of $170 with an opening fee of $25.
- Water/Utility Company Account- Ditto to previous post, but cheaper and done through your apartment complex.
- First and Deposit- Thankfully in Orlando you are typically charged the first month of rent plus a deposit (subject to a credit check). This deposit can range from $350- a whole month of rent.
- HOLY PET FEES BATMAN- I have a 16 year old, blind, deaf, toothless, toy Poodle. It cost me $250 to keep her. I am a good. owner. Do you hear me? It’s also an extra $15 a month.
- Internet (Because Cable is a thing of the past)- Whoa, guys. Internet (as a dear friend put it) is coming out of the Wild West Era where companies didn’t know exactly how to charge for it… Now they’re coming up with crazy propaganda like: data caps, data speeds, set up fees, and separate modem and wiring fees. What the wut? Kiss your $60 goodbye.
- Renters Insurance- Now I totally get why this is a thing… Orlando isn’t exactly the safest place on Earth and sure… I’ve set my toaster oven on fire by reheating fried chicken *cough cough* ahem… Another story for another time. But it’s just another expense to add to the list.
- Uhauls- When you have shtuff to move you need a shtuff mover. For example a UHaul. Depending on the size you’re looking at it will cost you around $30+ and then $0.99 per mile you drive!
All in all. It’s a weird process. The shiny tales of adulthood all come to a screeching halt when you find out all of the rando fees the adults before you failed to mention… It’s almost like they didn’t want you to know… I wonder why.
Well folks! Have a great day, and until next time… GUARD YOUR CARNAL TREASURE!